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Johanna Constantine Need an exorcist? Biography and Summary Quick Summary: Exorcist, Demonologist and Master Petty Dabbler of the Dark Arts Location: London, England; United Kingdom Job Title: Alternative Dispute Resolution Summary: I used to fancy myself a master of the dark arts, but after what happened at Newcastle I feel more like a bloody petty dabbler. Trust me, mate, you don't want to hire me, I'm a nasty piece of work... Experience Exorcist at Newcastle Crew Newcastle, England Description: I was good, the best in the world even. But I got cocky and now a little girl is damned to Hell. That's on me, mate, but you can be damn sure I'm going to do everything in my power to save her! Patient at Ravenscar Psychiatric Ward North Yorkshire, England Description: How many lasses do you know who've checked themselves into the nuthouse? The electro-shock therapy did wonders for me. Great release of pain if you ever need it. Lead Singer at Mucous Membrane Newcastle, England Description: I was in a punk band with my mates, Gary, Les and Beano. We gave the Sex Pistol lifestyle a try. You might have seen us at the Cassanova Club in Newcastle, or maybe you've heard our song "Venus of the Hardsell." And if you don't like it, piss off! Education Beauty School Dropout Description: Ol' Jasper was the only teacher I ever had who was worth a damn, and the things he taught me they sure as hell don't teach in school. Liverpool Primary School Description: Expelled Licensing & Certifications An angel told me I’m the only one who can save the world. That good enough for ya? Skills & Endorsements Exorcisms Smoking Drinking (Guinness or gin) Demonology Séances Did I mention drinking? Honor & Award If there’s an award for consuming an ungodly amount of pints I’d have a shot at that… Contact Number 800-555-0199

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1. Johanna! Astra. I came as soon as I got your text. What is it? What's happened? We have to go. We have to get out of here now! We will. Tell me what's happened. He said it was an accident, like when Mum died. Where is he? 2. Oi. Logue. Hello, Johanna. What the fսck did you do? We was just havin' a bit of fun. "Bit of fun"? Summoning demons for fun? Who's "we"? Where are the others? Must still be inside. Inside the club? You don't wanna go in there. No. No, I bloody don't. But someone has to clean up your sh¡t. I'll come with ya. Believe it or not, love, it's safer in here, with your father. 3. All right, miss. We're here. Sorry, long day. Mine's just getting started. I have a feeling mine is as well. 4. Johanna Constantine. Look at you, all done up. What are you doing here, Hettie? Same as you, I expect. He's coming, isn't he? Who? Yeah, well, you know who. Morpheus. The Oneiromancer. You know, the Sandman, he's back. "The Sandman"? The one who puts the kids to sleep? He's a fairy story, Hettie. He's no fairy story, missy. He's back, and he wants his sand. Good to know. I'm off to work. You'll see. I know. I'm 280 years old, and I know. 5. Constantine. Have we met? We have business, you and I. Get in line, bruv. Can't keep God waiting. 6. Ric the Vic. You're here! Thank God. Not as a favor though. I'm getting paid, or I'm going to bed. Of course you are getting paid. This visit is strictly professional. Unless you, um, wanna get a drink after. Tell me what's going on. Why have I been summoned? The usual reason. I have a soul in need. Who is she? Hmm? Does it matter? If I double your fee? Triple it? Her family has means. If her family is in any way royal, the answer is no. I'm done with that lot. I told the queen-- The queen doesn't know she's here. Is it the princess? She showed up about an hour ago demanding I that marry them before the palace find out, and the press. Why, who's she marrying? Kevin Brody. Kevin Brody, the footballer? He's rubbish. He's fit though. Just because a Goldsmiths-educated princess wants to marry some naff winger, does not mean she needs an exorcist. It's not just that. Just have a chat with her, you'll see. No, it's too risky with the royals. If our chat goes wrong, I've a dead princess on my hand, a demon on the loose, and no one to pay my fee. Fսck off! Jesus fսck. Is that her? Can you not smell the sulfur? Where is she? Thank you. She's in my office. You're gonna need the Rituale Romanum. I can't barge in spouting Latin at her. Has she been restrained, or is that why she sounds like that? She sounds like that 'cause she's possessed by a fսck¡ng demon. Can we at least drսg her first? Get her drunk, tie her up a little bit? She's British royalty. They love that sh¡t. Any other ideas? Yeah. Take your top off. 7. Do you, Princess, take this-- I do. Wait, babe, are you absolutely sure you wanna do this? I said "I do" because I do, Kevin. No, I mean, you sure you don't want a big royal-wedding-of-the-century type wedding? With the queen and photographers and stuff? I just want you. Get on with it, please. Do you, Kevin, take-- Ow. Yeah, yeah, I do. Then repeat after me. 8. Ric! You were right about the demon, wrong about the host. fսck¡n' hell. Get her out. You... talk too much. Tell me your name and I'll stop. Why would I do that? When there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop. His name is Agilieth. I'm flattered you remember me, Lord Morpheus, after all your time away. Lord Morpheus? He is. Though, I confess, I almost didn't recognize you without your helm. I wonder where your helm could be. I presume it is in Hell, with the demon to whom it was traded. Yes, but which demon? Give me the princess and I'll tell you. Wait. Fine, fine! I'll tell you where your helm is, just don't send me back. Constantine. Stop! I command you! Dream of the Endless commands you! Run along and fսck off back to Hell. You have no idea what you've done. I do though. I've just tripled my fee. 9. Oi, Ric! Whom do I invoice for this, Church of England or Buckingham Palace?  10. The duke and duchess are on their way to pick up the princess. Poor thing. She did seem possessed. She was. Love fսcks you up. Your new man is not unfit. He's not my man. He's not even a man. What is he then? He's Endless. 11. I said the Sandman, and I meant the bleedin' Sandman. It's good to have you back, milord. Don't let her mess you about. My gran used to tell me stories about you lot. I've known your family for centuries. Then you know there's not one of us that can be trusted. What do you want with me? Something of mine came into your possession. A leather pouch filled with sand. I need it back. Oh, that was yours? Bought it at an estate sale. Didn't even manage to get the drawstrings open. Where is it? No idea. Could be anywhere. We must find it. Must we? Why is that? Because without it, my realm will cease to exist, and if dreams disappear, then so will humanity. No offense, but... I could do without dreams for a while. Haven't had a decent night's sleep in ages. Nor will you. Until we find the sand. We must go, now. Does this approach generally work for you? You just turn up and order people about? Yes. All right. I'll help you find your sand. Good. First thing tomorrow, and I work alone. No. Don't want you and your friend following me all over London. My friend? Is that not your raven? My gran said Dream always had a raven.  12. Astra! Astra! Go back, now!  No! Don't let go! Astra! Astra! 13. For fսck's sake. How did you find me? You were dreaming. But it wasn't only a dream, was it? It's a memory. No wonder you do not sleep. Maybe I don't deserve to. Perhaps not. But I could make it go away. Only if I help you find your sand. Though, finding anything in this place may require more magic than even you can muster. I'll look in the office. Try not to clean up while I'm gone. I'm coming with you. You have a gift for disappearing. All right. But if the mess in here offends you, wait till you see my office. 14. Why do you humans love objects so much? They do come in handy sometimes. You seem pretty attached to your sand. It's not just an object, it's a part of me. If that's true, how'd you happen to lose it? It was stolen by another magic user called Burgess. Wait, not Roderick Burgess? The old Demon King himself, eh? Everyone used to say he was a fake. Said he had the Devil locked up in his basement. How the fսck did you... sh¡t. Wasn't the Devil he had locked up in his basement, was it? Were you down there? All this time? Is this you? Why? Do I look that different? Or younger? No. Happy. Sh¡t. I know where your sand is. 15. Who is she? The woman in the picture. Her name's Rachel, Rachel Moodie. Does she deal in magic as well? God, no. No, she's actually a decent person. Proper job, nice family. fսck¡n' hated all the magic stuff. And yet you left the sand with her. No, I did not leave it with her. Sort of left it. And her. I was staying at her place. She interpreted that as us living together, which we weren't, so, one night, I just went on a job and... never went back. Why? Because it never ends well, does it? What? Love? No. I suppose it doesn't. I don't know if you've noticed, but people around me tend to get ripped in half or cast down to Hell. Safer for her if I left. Did you tell her that? No. I suppose I'll have to now. This is her. Or it used to be. It's been six months. Maybe she might've moved house. Please, have moved house. Oh, bollocks. Maybe we'll get lucky and she won't be-- That's weird. She didn't even ask who it is. Maybe she's expecting someone. This could get awkward. More... awkward. Wait here.  I'm coming with you. No, you're not. Do you have any idea how much she probably hates me? Do you have any ex-girlfriends? I will not wait long. You won't have to. She's gonna slam the door in my face, like I'm about to do with you... right now. 16. Hiya, Rach. What are you doing here? I probably should have called... first. Sorry. Um... Hi. Hi. I had all of these, um... things planned, what I wanted to say. Go on then. Don't let me stop you. You look well. You look well. Uh, right, well, um... Sorry to bother you. I left some things behind when we broke up, and I was wondering if-- Did we... break up... exactly? Yeah. Uh, no, fair point. That was bad of me, and... wrong. I should have phoned or at least texted. Do you wanna come in? And apologize properly? 17. Shall we, um, take this apology into the bedroom? It's going well, isn't it? Yes, but you have a lot to apologize for. I know. When you left that night-- Rach. When you left that night... Do we have to? ...and you didn't come home, I was terrified. I'm sorry. I called everyone. Chas and Renee, Ric the Vic. I even called your exes. You did not. Which ones? Sarah. Oliver. Oh, sh¡t. And Kit Ryan. But they all told me to just get over you. Because you're a selfish, ruthless coward. Who ruins everything she touches. Rach.  Constantine. Wake up. What did you do to me? It was the sand. Where's Rachel? 18. Rachel? Rach? Jo? Jo? Is that you? That's such a wonderful dream. What's happened to her? It was not meant for humans. No, no! No, give it back. Please. It hurts. We can go. What? What? We can't go. We can't leave her like this. We can't help her. The sand was the only thing keeping her alive.  You have to do something. If it wasn't for your sand, she wouldn't be like this. I'm not the one who left her with it. What is wrong with you? You want your sand back so that you can save all of humanity, well, here she is! But we're all just Roderick Burgess to you. All you care about is your sand. Your power. What is the point of you? Well, you got your sand back. Why are you still here if you won't help? Wait outside. Rach... I'm sorry, Jo. I'm so sorry. It's my fault. All of it. Should never have left it with you. Should never have left. Well, you came back, though. Didn't you? 19. She died in peace. In her sleep. I'll let her dad know. You know, she was actually a good person. There are a few of them out there, you know. They're not all like me and Roderick Burgess. You are not Roderick Burgess. And what's your friend's name? His name is Matthew, but he is not my-- Look after him, Matthew. He needs it. Constantine! That nightmare won't trouble you anymore.